Betrayal, Pain, Loss, And Moving Toward The Future

So today I took a look back into a deep and sad past when it comes to friendships.  I remember many great times that are filled with nothing but joy and happiness, but these times are quickly overshadowed by grief and pain when the memories of betrayal, and words not spoken, begin to flood into my mind...and my heart.  The thought of how it felt to be betrayed by friends I felt most loyal to and thought were most loyal to me.  I remember it as if it was yesterday...all the promises made in vain spoken into an empty existence that is intangible.  I went through dark times and during these times where I was in need of support and crying for love and help...it was there but only for a glimmer as the people began to fade further away each day.  During this time I lost my fiance as she found another man's presence to be a much better fit to her than my own...this was a wrenching pain that I will not soon forget if ever.  I remember my friend calling me and informing me because I was unable to be there for her during the time....it hurt...bad.  I remember how when I was finally home her and I would not speak and the friends were there strong, loyal, and full of fun and joy.  But alas, this too began to fade very soon after.  Moving forward a bit in time, these same friends I have not spoken to in about six months...yes communication is thrown here and there, but no true deep intimate conversation as was once conducted as a daily ritual in my life with them.  Am I angry?  No...I cannot be angry at them when I was the reason they got distant.  Does it hurt?  Yes...I feel an emptiness that I have not felt in quite some time.  This feeling of searching and in a sense mourning for the friendship and bond I had, but with someone else.  This is never a successful route because I know in my mind and heart I cannot replace them.  I only wish and hope that some day these people who made an impact on my life, or at one time impacted my life, to know how much they meant and still mean to me even though we have chosen different paths in life.  It saddens my heart to even say those words...that we have gone our separate ways, but there is nothing I can do to change what has happened.  I will never forget the great times we had together nor the fun that we all shared.  I will cherish these things in my heart until the day comes that I perish from this land.  I could not deal with just watching these people disappear so I chose to not become attached again, but to rather hold my head up high and continue forward on my path never looking back.  I intend to continue this mindset and focus on my faith, family, schooling, and career so that the next time I come to that place, I will have a plan and know how to cope and have the resources to help me continue forward without the distractions...and most of all without the pain....